I Want to be More
by aedy
Summary: Sometimes Puck wonders how different things could be if he only had the guts to tell Kurt what he feels.


_**A/N: I can't sleep so I wrote this. It's probably OOC but I had the first scene wrote down for a prompt, but then the prompt was filled and I wanted to use the scene somehow so this came out. I hope it doesn't completely suck! It's un-betaed.**_

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><p>Sometimes Puck wonders how different things could be if he only had the guts to tell Kurt what he feels. They have been friends since they were kids and they met in the park on a sunny day of July. Now they are seventeen and sometimes Puck looks at Kurt and tries to imagine what it would be like to call Kurt his boyfriend instead of his best friend.<p>

He is lying on his bed staring at his history book trying to decide if he really has to study or if he can keep procrastinating when the door to his bedroom flies open.

Kurt walks in Puck's bedroom with a frown on his pale face, his lips set into a hard line and when he lets himself fall on the bed next to Puck, he sighs heavily and closes his eyes. "I did it."

Furrowing his brow in confusion, Puck looks at Kurt. "You did what?"

Sighing heavily, Kurt says, "I had sex."

Puck's hands close into tight fists and he has to remind himself that he has no right to be jealous. He swallows around the lump forming in his throat and makes himself ask, "Was it ok?"

"No. It was awful and I hated every second of it." Kurt turns on his side so he can face his best friend and his eyes are sad and of a cold shade of blue. "It was with the quaterback from the team of last week's game."

"What?"

"He was cute and..." Kurt looks away suddenly feeling the tears welling up in his eyes. "He took me out and we had a picnic and I thought it was romantic. He offered me wine and I thought 'why not?' and next thing I knew I had his hand down my pants and..."

Puck feels that irrational anger he always feels when he catches someone looking at Kurt surging inside him. "Did he force you?"

"No. I wanted to because..." Kurt shakes his head feeling stupid. "I don't even know why. He was there and he said I was cute and I let him keep going but it hurt like hell and we were under a tree and lying on the grass and I kept thinking 'what if some bug falls on me?' and..."

"I can't believe it." Puck laughs humorlessly and sits up. "You always said that you wanted for your first time to be special and with someone you loved and you just went and turned into a slut for..."

"Hey!" Kurt gets up from the bed glaring at him. "I didn't turn into a slut. I just..."

"You just opened your legs for the first guy that looked your way." Puck knows that he should stop, he can feel in his guts that he's going too far but he is feeling so angry because Kurt just threw himself at the first guy like he didn't matter while Puck loves him so much that sometimes it's hard to keep breathing and he can't stop thinking that it was supposed to be him Kurt's first.

"What the hell is your problem?" Kurt yells.

"You are my fucking problem!"

Puck regrets the words as soon as they are out and Kurt's betrayed expression makes him feel sick. "I didn't..."

"I don't know what the hell is wrong with you but you know what? I just had sex with a jerk that didn't even spare a second to ask me if I was ok and I needed my best friend." Kurt shakes his head and walks up to the door.

"Wait. I'm sorry."

"Well, screw you, Puckerman!" Kurt slams the door behind him and not even Puck calling after him makes him stop.

*GLEE*

They don't talk for two months and people notice because they were always together and now, all of a sudden Puck is sitting at the jocks' table and Kurt is sitting at the glee club's table. Mercedes asks what is wrong and Rachel silently tells him that he should make it right because they're friends and they're supposed to get along.

Finn keeps looking at Puck with worry like he's sure that at any moment Puck will jump from the school's roof because he was there when Puck and Kurt met and he knows that it's not supposed to be like this with his best friends not even talking to each other.

"You should talk to him," Finn tells Puck after two months. They're in the lockers room and Kurt has just left. "Figure things out. I don't know what happened, but perhaps, if you talked..."

"You don't know what the hell you're talking about Finn." Puck shoves his clothes in his gym bag and picks it up from the bench. He slams his locker shut and starts heading towards the door.

"I know you love him and I know this is killing you inside."

Puck stops and glances back at Finn finding that dopey grin on his face. "I fucked up."

"What could you possibly have done? He's Kurt and you're Puck. You guys always forgive each other. I've known you two since forever and it's always been Puck and Kurt. How can anything change that?"

"I called him a slut."

Puck can read shock all over Finn's face and can't help but smirk. "See? I told you. I fucked up."

"But..."

"I called him a slut right after he had had sex for the first time. You really think he's going to forgive me?"

Finn opens his mouth a few times before actually managing to say something. "I always thought you were going to be his first."

"Yeah, well, that makes two of us."

"You never told him. Maybe it's time. Tell him you're a jerk and you're sorry and you didn't mean it and that you love him." He smiles. "Works with Rachel every time."

Puck just shakes his head and leaves.

*GLEE*

He lasts another week before he decides that he simply can't keep going like this. He leaves Glee before all the others and waits for Kurt at his SUV. When his best friend spots him, he falters in his steps for a moment before hardening his gaze and walking up to him.

"Can you please remove yourself from my car?"

"I was angry." Kurt frowns in confusion and Puck takes a step closer to him. "I was angry," he repeats, "I wanted to be your first and suddenly you told me that you just gave yourself up to some stupid jock that didn't care and it wasn't right because I've always cared." He looks away for a moment to gather his courage before looking back at Kurt. "I've always loved you and I should have told you but I didn't. So I was angry and I was a jerk and I was jealous and I'm sorry and I didn't mean it and... and I love you." He shrugs like it's not a big deal, but his hands are sweaty and he's so nervous that he's ready to bolt at any moment now.

But Kurt just stands there for a minute without saying anything. Then he drops his books to the ground and grabs Puck's letterman jacket and slams him up against the SUV. "You're an asshole."

When Puck looks into Kurt's eyes, they're a dark blue and so intense that he almost has to look away.

"You were supposed to be my first?" Kurt laughs humorlessly and Puck hates how that sounds. "Says who? The big jock that had no balls to tell me how he felt?" He clenches Puck's jacket tightly. "God I want to hit you right now. I want to hate you right now because all this happened just because you never said anything." He takes a step back and shakes his head looking up at the sky for a moment. "I waited and waited and then that stupid boy was there giving me the attention I wanted from you and I just gave in and I was feeling so awful and you went and called me a slut."

Puck hangs his head in shame. "I'm so fucking sorry."

Kurt grabs his face between his hands and makes Puck look up at him. "Say it again."

It only takes one look into Kurt's eyes to know what to say. "I love you."

Kurt leans his forehead against Puck's and his eyes are fixed on the boy's lips. "Sometimes I hate to love you back." That's all he says before closing the gap between them.

*GLEE*

Puck used to wonder how it would feel like to hold Kurt's hands as his boyfriend and not his best friend and now he knows how it feels like. He used to wonder how it would feel like to make love to the boy he loved and he gets to find out during the Summer. He used to fear what telling Kurt about his feelings would do to their friendship, now he only fears to fuck up the best thing to ever happen to his life.

**The End**


End file.
